


Guilty

by gonta_gokuhara_lover



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Shinguji Korekiyo's Sister, Childhood Trauma, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gontaguji, Korekiyo is Guilty, Light Angst, M/M, Nonbinary Shinguji Korekiyo, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Purging, Shinguji Korekiyo-centric, Sweet Gokuhara Gonta, Trans Shinguji Korekiyo, gontaguuji - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:15:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28756491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gonta_gokuhara_lover/pseuds/gonta_gokuhara_lover
Summary: As Korekiyo develops feelings for Gonta , they can't help but to feel guilty about betraying Sister .
Relationships: Gokuhara Gonta/Shinguji Korekiyo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 72





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably have a happy ending at some point , but at the moment I would simply like to write about Kiyo's feelings .

At first , they don't quite notice what their feelings truly are . Observing Gonta felt as natural as observing everyone else , and the anthropologist was sure the excitement to do so was the same as well . Nothing out of the ordinary . They chose to believe that , and therefore it was their reality . Gonta , like others , is just interesting to watch . Maybe even more so , considering his peculiar manner of speech and his ideals . Korekiyo saw very little issue in spending time with the entomologist . It was natural . They just wanted to know everything there was to know about how his circumstances had impacted him . Call it a pet project .

Gonta had agreed to let Korekiyo study him , and they were quite happy to have a willing subject . As much as their distaste for bugs made the lab somewhat uncomfortable to be in , it was worth it for the information they could pull from the giant . Kiyo just simply made sure to have their back to the wall and ensure that they didn't feel anything crawling . Not that they don't trust the entomologist to keep things contained , just that they don't trust the _bugs ._ Even just looking at them sometimes can make their skin crawl . A fact that they have very deliberately not mentioned to Gonta . God forbid their subject refuses to see them on a basis such as that .

 _Subject ._ Something about the word , when specifically used in reference to the man happily rambling about the different kinds of beetles in the _scarabaeidae_ family . Of course , Kiyo is familiar with the cultural importance of scarabs , and occasionally they'll offer some new information to the entomologist to keep conversation , but it's with a strange level of comfort . They feel significantly less calculated around the male . 

Korekiyo desperately tries not to think about that . But it appears they got lost in their mind , as Gonta's voice draws them back out of it . " Kiyo ? Is Kiyo okay ? Gonta noticed his friend look far away , " He comments , concern lacing his voice . But once again Korekiyo gets lost on the other's words . Friend . Gonta had called them his _friend ._ It put a pit in the anthropologist's stomach . They felt sick .

" ... Quite fine , Gonta . I was simply thinking . " This is not the truth . In earnest , Korekiyo was starting to feel sick . Incredibly sick . Their arms itch under their bandages and their long fingers twitch around his pen . " I believe I've observed enough today , " They say , slowly . Calculated . " If you would allow me to take my leave . " 

Gonta agrees to let Kiyo go , but on the condition that he may walk the anthropologist back to his room . As gentlemanly as could be . It's starting to make Korekiyo want to vomit . Nonetheless , they agree . It would raise suspicion if they did not . They measure their steps as they walks , and avoids the urge to scratch at their arms until they bleed . It's a hard won battle . Gonta talks to them about something that they're only vaguely aware of , nodding occasionally and silently praying to any God that will listen that they aren't being asked any questions . Their lacklustre responses seem to satisfy the entomologist , though .

They nearly walk into the door of their room before they notice it . Their left hand moves automatically to open it , and they steps through with a nod of thanks to Gonta , as they always do , for the time spent together . Their door shuts a little bit too fast , and cuts off Gonta in the middle of his sentence . Korekiyo makes a mental note to apologize for it later . Their hands , slightly shaking , put their notebook carefully on the shelf . They watch their fingers move . The room is so loud with the lack of anything happening . It is horrifically silent . 

The anthropologist feels claustrophobic . They think about putting their hair up , to avoid problems if they really do vomit . They thinks about the history of the word . Vomere . Latin . " To spew forth . "

_They wonder if this is how Sister felt , sick and alone in Her hospital bed ._

If so , they're selfish for even beginning to consider these feelings . She had it far worse than they ever did , and they know that as well as anyone else . Somewhere in their head , Her voice is speaking to them . _Selfish ,_ it calls . They know . They know . Korekiyo pulls off their hat and puts it carefully on their desk . Then their clothes , that She'd made so painstakingly for them . She was always so good to them . They had no reason to remember Her with contempt . Their mask lies on the desk . Left in just their bandages and a pair of boxers they'd sewn up themself , the bandages come next . They use them to tie their long hair into a high ponytail , just out of their face .

Their steps measure themselves to the bathroom . One , two , three , five , eight . They stands in front of the sink , eyes staring back at them . They're fairly sure they belong to them , but it feels as if She's looking through them as well . The thought makes their heart race . They miss their Sister . She would have gotten along with everyone , they would have loved Her . As long as they kept the secret , all would be well .

Their fingers find their way to the back of their throat . They gag on them , hard , sputtering over the porcelain of the bathroom sink . The coughing starts , and their heart is racing . Tears prick at their eyes , either from the sting , or because they can still _hear Her talking to them ._ He wants Her to be with them again . To fix them . She always said Korekiyo was at their best when She was around . Their fingers touch the back of their throat again .

Their lunch meets the sink . The water turns on . They hate the sound of it . They look at their fingers again . They're covered in his spit , and scars . She'd given the scars to them , they vaguely think . But Sister had also given them the bandages with which to heal the cuts . They remember an instance where they'd angered Her and their artifacts had been broken when they'd returned . Shredded notebooks , shattered ceramics they'd spent years trying to collect . And they'd known better than to show any weakness . Show any emotion at all , despite their insides churning with devastation . They had knelt to the floor and picked up the shards , placing them into their other hand . Korekiyo remembers being unsure where they wanted to put the pieces . They tried to convince themself that they could fix the artifacts . The anthropologist didn't _want_ to get rid of the shards . And yet , they did . Rid the home of shredded pages from years of observation .

Their hands had been bleeding . And Sister told them that She hated seeing them in pain . That She hated to do things like this to them , but it was their fault for being so _selfish. ___

__A mistake they seemed to be repeating with Gonta . The only person who considers the anthropologist a friend . Their stomach empties itself again , and the acid burns their throat . The taste is worse . They realize they've been scratching their arm again , long nails leaving tracks . They look into the mirror and they see Her face . They feel worse . They are sorry , in earnest . They love their Sister , and here they were , being quite honestly _rude_ to Her . They are selfish , like She'd always said . They turn away from the mirror , body shaking as tears pour down their face . It really is pathetic. They wish Sister were here ._ _

__They resolve to stop talking to Gonta . Gonta makes them feel guilty . Like a selfish , awful little sibling . They measure the steps to bed . One , two , five , nine . The anthropologist is fairly sure they cry until they fall asleep , still feeling dirty without having brushed their teeth or having showered . They do those things first thing in the morning , sitting down in the bathtub until they remembers how to stand up again without passing out . The anthropologist leaves their room later than usual , and find themself walking towards Gonta's lab ._ _

__Wrong direction . They turn in the direction of where food should be , remembering the emptiness in their stomach . They feel dizzy while they walk . Calculated steps . One , two , five , eight , twelve - They stop paying attention . And they feel themself hit the ground ._ _

__" Oh - Kiyo , Gonta is sorry - Gonta forgets to look down , but he will help you back up ! "_ _

__A slew of curse words comes to the forefront of Korekiyo's mind . They bite their tongue to avoid saying them , especially in such ... delicate company . Apparently , it takes them too long to calculate , and since they're not taking Gonta's hand , the giant just heaves them up on his own . Gonta's eyes are full of concern , and it makes Korekiyo's arms _itch ._ They wish Gonta wouldn't look at them like that . Not the same way he does when he finds a bug with a broken wing . Kiyo is _not_ something to be fawned over ._ _

__" Is Kiyo okay ? Gonta is worried about them , " The other speaks , and the anthropologist starts feeling sick again . " He knows Kiyo hasn't eaten this morning , he waited for his friend , but Kiyo didn't come , " He adds. More curse words fill Korekiyo's head . Their eyes close to avoid getting teary , and they say , very slowly , " I'm alright , Gonta . "_ _

__Gonta seems to soften , and he beckons Korekiyo to follow him . He mentions something about making food because he thought the anthropologist was sick . Kiyo can't open their eyes . They're going to cry . Their voice wavers when they ask the question of " Why ? "_ _

__" Because Gonta cares for his friend . "_ _

__Korekiyo wishes they were dead already ._ _


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gonta cooks for Korekiyo , and the anthropologist comes to terms with themself .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took fuckin' forever to update , lmao . Also , edited Chap 1 to fit NB Kiyo .

They don't remember getting to the cafe .

Gonta makes chicken soup . Korekiyo is only vaguely aware of this fact before they are given a bowl of it , because they hadn't really been listening to anything the entomologist had to say . Looking at their shoes seemed to be easier . Sister's voice talks at them a little , but they're too out of it to listen to that very much either . The accidental knock of ceramic against wood knocks them out of their head .

" Gonta was worried about his friend , and it might not be as good as Kirumi's food , but he hopes Kiyo will eat anyway ! "

Korekiyo feels as if they're looking at the sun when Gonta beams down at them . Their stomach is doing flips . Gonta makes them feel ... complicated . If they bury all of their emotions underneath the guilt , it's easier to process . No need to think about the concept that maybe they enjoy the entomologist's company more than they had enjoyed Sister's when She was alive . Their mouth goes dry at the idea .

" Thank you , Gonta ... " They say , quietly . Murmured words . They pick up a spoon and eat slowly , for fear that they'd puke again . At that point they'd have a real problem on their hands , wouldn't they . Gonta doesn't watch them do it , more concerned with drinking down his own bowl of soup . Being honest , it wasn't bad at all . Korekiyo enjoyed the warmth . They guess that it's something less processed than what Kirumi would put together , because it is different . They'll have to get his recipe for comparison at some point . The anthropologist is about halfway through their meal when Gonta speaks to them again .

" Gonta not want to be nosy , " he starts , which worries Korekiyo more than they care to admit , " But he thinks he heard Kiyo crying last night , and was worried ... "

The anthropologist is more than sure that they're eleven shades of crimson . A slew of curses comes to the front of their mind , and as they try to clear every single ' fuck ' out of the way to make room for actual cohesive thought , Gonta goes through the motions of washing out his bowl . Something that he does not have to do , as Kirumi is usually the dishwasher in the group . But he's a gentleman , and would never put extra work onto the lady . Wouldn't even dream of it .

Korekiyo settles on a one word answer . " ... Oh ? " .

It leaves room for Gonta to come up with something on his own . They can use that and spin a narrative that doesn't involve the entomologist or how complicated he makes them feel , or even anyone at all . Let Gonta create the problem , and let Korekiyo create the story . Sounds easy enough in their head , but a fact that they failed to account for is the other's uncanny ability to guess what's wrong with them . Even if the cause isn't exactly correct , he can usually get the gist . Like now .

" Well , Gonta noticed that Kiyo look far away when talking to him . More far away than talking to Kirumi or Rantaro . Does Kiyo not like to spend time with Gonta anymore ? "

There's the slightest tinge of sadness in the words , and the sincerity behind them nearly makes Korekiyo cry . They're stuck between a rock and a hard place , a little bit - Tell Gonta no , and explain the real reason behind their problem . Or let him believe that he's undesirable and upsetting to be around . They realize their mouth has been hanging open a little bit , but before they even get the chance to speak , the entomologist continues . They wish he wouldn't .

" It's okay if Kiyo not want to be around Gonta anymore . He would be sad , but he not want to hurt Kiyo or make them sad . That's not what gentleman does . "

Korekiyo's mouth moves faster than their brain this time . They chose the rock , it appears , and their words feel foreign and heavy falling off of their tongue . Their arms itch . They want to vomit . They're hot . Feels like fever .

" That's not it , Gonta , " They say , quickly . Too quickly for their liking . They cough . " I ... like being around you a lot , " is how they decide to salvage it . Gonta still looks a little more serious than they'd like . Apparently they hadn't exactly alleviate his worries like they'd hoped to . Or , they had , and he was still worried about them . It seemed to Korekiyo that the entomologist was always worrying for them , making sure they'd eaten and slept and kept warm and had the things they needed . It killed them every time they thought about it .

" Then what's hurting Kiyo ? "

The anthropologist's mouth goes dry again . They swallow . They swallow another time . Their boots are starting to look extremely interesting again . They stop looking at Gonta's broad figure and look down at their legs . Their hand gravitates to their arm . They rub it this time . No use scratching when bandages and Gonta prevent them from doing so very effectively . Just as long as they get the same sensation .

" Gonta , I .... I don't know . You make me feel so complicated . In the one hand , I appreciate your company more than anyone else's , and you make me feel .. nice , " They say , swallowing , " But I also feel guilty . I never intended to feel that way , and ... it's uncomfortable . "

They don't describe the reason . Gonta might burst a blood vessel if he learned about Sister and the things that She had taught them . They're not stupid enough to think that everyone would simply disregard it , least of all someone with such a stark set of personal morals . Korekiyo tends to not talk about themself or their past as much as possible around the giant . It's easier that way .

" Why guilty ? Kiyo deserve to feel nice , " Gonta says . It's clear that he's genuinely confused . He believes the things he says with his whole heart . Which makes the anthropologist want to scream . Just call them a freak and leave them alone , they want to tell him . It's so much easier to cope with emotions that they're already familiar with , rather than the ones Gonta has invented for them .

" It's .... hard to explain . Complicated , " they offer . " I like you . It scares me . "

It's a true statement . But is it the full truth ? They aren't sure . ' I like you . ' They DO like Gonta - But is that all ? They can't be sure . Gonta is weirdly quiet . They're slightly afraid that he's weirded out . They also slightly want him to be . But , fate is determined to work with them .

" Oh , " He says , and he laughs a little . That silly laugh that Gonta always does when he's embarrassed , scratching at the back of his neck . " That is good , Gonta thinks . "

It doesn't exactly sound that way . Not to say that Gonta is lying , but he sounds more disappointed than Korekiyo thinks he should . They narrow their eyes a little , and against all of their better judgement , decided to press on it . After all , Gonta got to ask THEM a ton of questions - What's one returned ? They considered their words for a moment before speaking , trying to find out how to ask without sounding rude or expectant .

" Were you hoping for something different ? "

Gonta laughs again , and meets his eyes with the anthropologist again . Red meets amber , and they stay like that for a moment . Korekiyo is the first to look away , in favour of looking at the entomologist's mouth as he speaks . Studying his teeth from afar . They make a mental note to take impressions to look at later .

" Well ... Gonta was hoping you liked him more ! He not want to be just Kiyo's friend ... " He says , trailing off . But then he flushes , and starts talking again , faster this time . Korekiyo doesn't exactly catch the words , a little bit in shock from the seemingly sudden confession . If they think about it , it wouldn't have been HARD to guess that Gonta had a little bit of a crush on them , but they hadn't allotted themself the time to think about it . Pushed it down . They only catch the end of Gonta's next sentence , being something about " - but that doesn't mean Gonta not want to be friends ! Gonta still wants to be friends with Kiyo if Kiyo not like him like that , it would not be gentlemanly to stop being friends with someone over that - "

Korekiyo interrupts him . Once again , their mouth moves without thinking . " I do . I mean - I do like you . Like that . "

They can't tell which one of them is redder . They run their fingers through their hair , force of habit more than anything else , but - Gonta rushes forward and lifts them out of their chair , nearly knocking the table over in the process . Gonta is a very physical person , they've noticed . Especially now that their ribs might cave in from the pressure of the entomologist's arms around them .

" Gonta - "

He's saying something that Korekiyo can barely understand , but they smile a little anyways .

Guilt is something they can learn to cope with , they decide .


End file.
